Okay so I’m going to rant and vent a little. I know noone reads this anyways so it doesnt really matter, therefore just ignore this post.
So yeah.. Umm… It’s one of those days where I feel like bawling my eyes out.. And I don’t know why. But still feel the need to.
I just wish things were easier.. When I was a little kid I didn’t have to worry about falling in love.. or out of love. Or getting over stupid boys that were mean to me. All I had to do was push them in the dirt and move on. Why can’t I just do that now? I would love to push him in the dirt and leave him there, but unfortunately I would help him back. WHY? Why is it so impossible for me to get over him? I know I sound terribly stupid and pathetic but I don’t care. It’s been over a year.. Really? I just want him gone.. But of course I’m only lying. My head wants to get over him.. My hearts says hang on. Thanks for conflicting guys.. Way to make my life easy. And then of course there is the knight in shining armor that comes to save me from my misery. Absolutely perfect. Sweetest person on earth, wonderful heart for God, and all around awesome. But I can’t accept it.. He isn’t him. I compare him to him. Which is so stupid. I know I deserve to be happy and all that junk like that but why cant it be with the person I want? I wasn’t happy though.. Maybe that’s why. I just need to move on. Or go gay.. Or become a nun. The last option seems probable. Idk. I have a shoulder to cry on, someone waiting for me to move on, and yet I still can’t seem to get it together. What’s with me? When I compare other guys to him I think about all of the fun we had together.. How he was my absolute best friend.. Even closer than my best friends I call my sisters. I knew everything about him, or so I thought. But he knew everything about me. We could finish each other’s sentences. We knew how to make each other laugh, no matter what. He would hold me just so I could cry if I had a bad day or something bad happened. Oh I’m making myself sick. Everyone always says “yeah there’s someone out there for you. You’ll find him eventually. He’ll be wonderful.” Yeah well what if I don’t? What if that someone never comes along that makes me feel that way again? What if I can never love again? That seems a bit dramatic, but still. Side note. The knight in shining armor also, has never been in love. So I guess I feel a bit more “mature” I guess you could say in the relationship department.. He’s also a year younger. And shy. I am not shy. Maybe when I meet like old people.. But I’m not shy. Who knows…
I just need to like go on a trip… To peru. Idk.. first thing that popped into my head. Thankfully I’m going on a church trip Monday and will be gone for 5 days.. Knight in shining armor will be there too.. But I’m going to try and focus more on time with my girls, and of course God. That’s another thing that isn’t going as well as I had hoped. My relationship with God needs work.. So maybe Bigstuf will open my eyes to a lot of things.. One week without talking to him may do me good..
I’m never gonna be able to sleeep.. Time to put in Peter Pan. <3
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
“It’s rather like the Mafia I guess. Once you’re in, you never get out.”